Just a note ….

Just a note … I have noticed on one of my pages (complacency and dependency) … that there is some sort of ad … the note being I have placed no ads with in my pages.  Therefore I will not be responsible for any material that WordPress places there.  If you are annoyed, insulted, offended or whatever else … please contact WordPress since they are the ones that put it there.  My only mention of an ad is for my personal business announcement for Home Inspections.

Now … if anyone wishes to re-post and or share something I have written … please ask me first and give credit where credit is due … plagiarism is not just wrong but it’s stealing … but asking to post, share with permission is a very high compliment.

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The Bully – my life as a victim

The Bully, –

 my life as a victim


Chicago 1969 – nice cool mid spring morning.  Walking to school,  (3/4 mile), yep we did that back then, crossing Archer and Kedzie – busy intersection, no slow school zones, just traffic lights and a crossing guard.  Guess people had enough common sense where they taught their kids how and when to cross a street and drivers were responsible enough and didn’t need so many special visual aids. 

But enough of that for now – that is another page unto itself.  It was the day of my first real encounter with what is referred to as a bully, a thief/robber in the early stages of life.  Yep, pushed me around, poked me in the face, knocked me onto the ground, took my lunch and milk money.  Said if I tell he would kill me.  I was relatively small and weak.  I was an easy target; afraid of everything … got smacked around at home a lot by a drunk … so when this big kid came up … I was terrified. 

Word got around fast, so I became a test for not just one bully … but several.  Became their personal punching and kicking and pushing dummy.  And the verbal abuse was endless.  I had a couple of friends but they were too scared also … so no help there.

I became angry … angry at the whole world … asking myself why … what did I do … ??  I am just a little kid.

I became rebellious, argumentative, and even more angry.  But not just where the bullies were concerned, that was only the catalyst of what was to come.  Learning that I was in a foster home, that my real parents abandoned me, abused me as a baby and then getting smacked and punched by a man that stood six feet two inches and a drunk at home – I didn’t understand, I couldn’t. Then I started fighting back and losing horribly.  You can’t win when you have three bullies towering over you at the same time.

I went into a “shell” … drawing, writing, thinking, watching the sky and stars when I could –  my social life was minimal.  Always afraid, then one day while I was getting pounded on … something snapped … I came back fighting … this other kid had to stop me … I wasn’t stopping, my knuckles were bloody, it wasn’t mine.  Roy came from a not so nice part of the neighborhood … he and his two older brothers were different from everyone else … but they weren’t bullies … they taught me.  Not what your normal kid learns … or supposed to learn.  How to fight mean … how to drink, how to swing a baseball bat, how to take a knife from someone … and the list goes on.  Reform school, boys home, jail, courtrooms seemed to be a semi-annual event. And tie-ins with cops was a weekly thing.

As the years went by, I learned to fight – not to win – but to survive.  New friends were made, got into a lot of trouble.  It’s what happens when you grow up in pain and anger.  I was no longer afraid – of anything, this was a very bad and dangerous turning point, I was now a part of the street.  Cold, dark, eyes and ears sharp as a razor.  But I stood out … I wasn’t a bully … I went after the bullies.  Inflicting pain and fear … like they did to those that were weak and small.  But I didn’t threaten to kill them … I threaten to cause them much more pain. 

In China Town I met some nice people, one being an old man, he turned out to be a Shaolin Priest from Northern China, he escaped from there due to uprisings and persecution from the Mao Dynasty if I remember correctly.  He took me in … and taught me a lot … more about people, peace, respect, hope.  From there with his martial arts teachings and philosophical lessons of nearly five years, I managed to get “cleaned up” … went into the military for a while … but still had some trust and anger issues.

Today I reflect back on those times, what it taught me … being bullied was horrible, painful, physically and emotionally and mentally.  But I survived.  I grew to have a better understanding, compassion, tolerance and some patience.  I am not perfect – not even close.  Still have some anger and trust issues.  And I even ask God to help me with those things … but my problem is me … I don’t fully let God do it.  The good news is that I don’t go out hurting anyone … I am not that kind of person.  Damn even the street gangs back in Chicago didn’t want anything to do with me.  They never challenged me … and they wouldn’t accept me.  Just left me alone, pretty pathetic.

I went to church – tried that for a while … learned a lot … but it just wasn’t working for me then.  Held a few jobs – working on the truck docks (most open air) that means you froze your ass off in the winter most of the time.  Worked in construction and then got a (no kidding) a desk job.  Learned about skip tracing in a collection agency.  There I learned about filing, phone etiquette, (go figure that).  But that put me in another place … picked up work in a security firm doing surveillance and part of a security team.  From there it was working bars/night clubs – bar-tending and security.  I have worn many hats – been to many “rodeo’s” because of those bullies and the choices I made out of hate, anger, fear, pain and loneliness.  But because of my awareness and willingness to survive it made me a better person.    Or so I would like to think …

I would love to call those bullies out by name here … I truly believe some of them never really learned and still to this day behave as such.  And if by some chance they had learned to read and are reading this, then they should know who they are … and with some self-respect and age … that they can learn something and become better people.

I got lucky … and blessed by God … I should have died many times in my life … but it didn’t happen.  It is said we all have a purpose in life from God … many try to figure it out or ask “what is my purpose?”.  I am one of those that do that, but if I would just shut up, listen and put my trust in God … I think he might tell me.  Maybe He already has and I just hadn’t figured it out yet … guess that’s what happens when you get hit in the head too many times.  But now I have pretty much stopped asking and just follow my heart, instincts, morals.  And try to do what is right for the right reasons.  Not for praise or recognition or reward … but because Christ wants me to,  I had to humble myself again and reached deep – I forgave those that had hurt me, and am sorry to those I had hurt.  This helped me to move on to a better place in life.  I still struggle today with anger and trust, but it is getting better.

If you are victim of a bully – past or present.  It’s ok – you can fight back … find a friend … talk about it … get help … but don’t follow my steps, it’s a very hard and lonely road and don’t follow those that have given up – that is when the bully wins.

Today – fifty-three years later and 900 + miles away – I have a wonderful wife, a nice home in a nice town and neighborhood. I have few nice friends that are good people, honest and hardworking.  I have started my own business. Stopped smoking ten years ago and stopped drinking twenty-seven years ago.  Go to church and listen to a preacher that doesn’t give a hell fire brimstone sermon but will certainly humble you if you have a heart and are honest with yourself.  There is hope. 

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 Pretty much from almost the beginning of time, people separated themselves from others.  Created various social classes and it continues to this day.  Some do this by various indoctrination through  family and peers,  some do this for religious reasons, some do this for political, and others at monetary and social statuses.  So comes the questions as to why this is done.  Politically and Religiously because of differences in opinions, ideas and ideals that are communicated passionately by a person and well received by others of like thinking.  Socially, because of the level of class and or ethnicity and or gender, i.e., financial wealth, education, blood lines, color of skin, etc.

Are these reasons actually justifiable? No.  It creates resentment, hate, distrust, it deteriorates the mind and soul.  It creates a loneliness that is extremely dangerous.  Not just mentally and socially – but with the spirit – the soul.

I believe we all have been or made victims of this social classing in one sense or another at one time or another in our life.  If not continuing to do so.

From the offender’s standpoint, it creates pride, a sense of superiority and self-righteousness, power.  And we all know what it does to the victim – don’t we?

As you the reader has figured out I am a little opinionated and outspoken and yes it has caused me problems in various social circles.  

 I have started going back to church and I sit way in the back, perfumes and colognes tend to give me bad headaches — but I enjoy the sermons.  The preacher unlike many others provoked thought and humbled me.  When my mind and soul calmed down I was able to reflect upon questions I had and was able to understand more clearly.  I really enjoy this and found a little rest, peace within.

Then it started – confronted with the question – “are you a member?”  And when I replied “no” I was met with a look of disappointment to a look of disdain.  Never was asked if I might be interested or asked if I am a Christian … just politely nodded at and then dismissed.  This really troubled me, not because of any sense of pride or such.  But because of the shallowness of these people’s minds and hearts that “membership” was more important.  Social class.

I sat for weeks pondering this, dissecting – analyzing, questioning.  And here is my conclusion:  I am a Christian.  I am not a Baptist, Lutheran, Catholic, Presbyterian, Orthodox of any kind … Just a plain ordinary Christian.  I thought about going back to the Church of Christ – but even now that looks more like a denomination as all the others.  I will not claim a denomination, I do not agree with most church’s doctrines that go beyond the scripture and or the attempts to manipulate the scripture for that church’s purpose – whatever that may be.  I am a member of a church – it is my faith in Christ, it is with in my heart and soul, it is with God.  I don’t have to be a member of a congregation to be “saved”.  Acceptance and being with other Christians is nice, it’s healthy, it helps make you stronger, to be able to create bonds with other Christians.  This helps not just one’s self but others as well – and it helps to fight the evil that continuously bombards us.   I like the people I have come to know, but because my heart is darkened over the thought of “memberships” and being thought of as an outsider and being tolerated then there is no point in staying.  Or so I seem to think.  But when I look at the other side, I see the devil working and working hard.  You see, Satan works in the church to drive people away, to create that resentment, bitterness, doubt … it is Satan’s goal to separate “man” from God.

Separation – people from each other because of religion, gender, color, wealth.  People from God because of pride and a host of other indiscretions.

You the reader, if you go to church and you meet someone for the first time.  Don’t ask them if they are a member.  Just simply greet them and accept them.  And when the visits continue and conversation ensues, you can ask if they are a Christian, and if they say no … it’s not a problem.  Now you have an opportunity to show them and help bring them to Christ.  And if they say “yes” they are a Christian, celebrate that and continue to welcome them.

A person does not have to be a member of a church to be a part of or follower of Christ.

Being baptized should not be a prerequisite for church membership.  Being baptized is an act of following Christ as Christ was baptized.

Church – what is to be intended as God’s house of worship is not a country club.

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Another kind of Cancer,

Cancer – it’s horrible, it’s a disease that affects people and families in so many ways.  It destroys and kills people literally and family and friends watch helplessly, many loose hope and faith, some become bitter.  They ask God – why – , they question faith, they question the mighty medical institutions.  Cancer does not discriminate and those that have been affected by this horrible disease will tell you that.

But this letter isn’t entirely about a biological disease.  It’s about another type of cancer that is affecting our country, America.  And at the rate it is spreading it will also have effect on others in other countries as well.  This cancer is our politics, special interest groups, corporations, other organizations and now military.

What has happened to our morals?  When did it become a popular idea to criminalize our Bible and Christian faith?  This is the new cancer – it destroys the mind, the heart, the soul.  It divides families and friends.  For those that embraces and follows it, causes separation from God. 

Our government along with special interest groups and corporations and now military are wanting to make it a hate crime to voice against certain things we hate with regard to our religion/faith and what the Bible teaches and what God hates.  God hates sin and sin is anything that is contrary to God’s word.

The contradictions are amazing, it is illegal to get drunk and go out in public and or drive.  The Bible speaks against drunkenness.  But it’s not remotely considered a “hate” crime to speak against it even in reference to scripture.  Take the Ten Commandments for instance; it has been removed from public view because it offended certain people.  Really have to wonder and question why they were offended by good moral teaching.  So now my question is – do we make it illegal to hate those that commit adultery, commit theft or anything else that the scriptures speak against?  Since the Muslim faith speaks against and promotes the killing of anyone that doesn’t convert, is that going to be considered a hate crime?  When the Black Panther Party decides to demonstrate or places flyers or other material that calls for the killing of white people, will that be considered and prosecuted has a hate crime?  No it won’t, because it has happened several times already and no one does anything about it.  Not even the cops that witnessed it did anything.  But yet everyone wants to get upset because someone preached from the Bible that it is wrong for male to male or female to female relationships in the sense of replacing the male to female relationship is concerned. 

Our society is becoming too complacent with being led and told that good morals is not acceptable and should be criminalized.  And we wonder why we have so many problems …

What makes all this such a horrific tragedy is that this cancer is actually curable, …. And yet it is ignored and pushed aside because it isn’t popular or cool, hip, easy or so called politically correct.

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Gun Control – For who, the good guys or the bad guys?

Gun control.

At the moment it’s a hot topic around the country and I have heard many of the arguments from both sides.   And I have too in all honesty agree with both sides that something needs to be done.

But at the current levels and ideas of such controls will not affect the rate of crimes that are committed in our society.  Criminals will not subscribe to any laws of restriction – period.  That is why they are referred to as criminals.  The mentally ill will not subscribe either simply because of their inability to do so.  And for those that are unable to or have a difficult time of separating reality from fantasy is another problem. 

If a person or persons want to inflict bodily harm on others or to themselves, they don’t have to have a gun to do it.  There are knives, sharp sticks, poisons, auto mobiles, ropes, plastic bags and this list goes on and on.  Push someone off the platform of a railway station.  Run people over with a vehicle.  Here recently a person ran around with a knife and start cutting / stabbing people.

Outside of Hollywood movies – never once has a gun or anything else ever got up and harmed someone without the assistance of a person.  Banning or limiting certain firearms or its components will not stop someone from committing a crime.  If a person or persons want to cause harm to others and this is set in their minds – then nothing is going to stop them unless there are others that are aware of it and are able to get to a point of interfering.

I can sympathize with the surviving victims and families that lost family members to gun violence.  And I can understand their passion for extreme controls.  What I don’t agree with is all the publicity, decision making, speeches that certain politicians are making at the expense of the survivors and families for their own agendas, nor can I agree with the extreme ideas of those survivors and families only because of the bias thinking due to such loss.  With all such reasoning being expressed, then we need to place bans and controls on everything we use and can be used to harm others and or ourselves.

But within the same argument I don’t see a need for 30 round magazines and assault rifles for hunting.

But I can respect the idea of collectors and shooter enthusiast to be able to have the right to make such purchases for their hobby.  There are knife and sword collectors, should they be prevented from collecting any kind of blade over a certain length?  That would be a laughable suggestion.

But with all the passion, hurt, tears and anger over the senseless killing of innocent people, stopping law abiding and responsible citizens from pursing their interests, hobby, with regards to firearms is not the solution.  If a person is intent on committing a crime with a gun, then they will do it.  And if guns are not available they will find another means to carry out their anger.

We have laws that make it illegal to drink and drive – yet people do it … yet we haven’t banned motor vehicles or alcohol and more people have been killed by drunk drivers or driving drunk than any recorded gun incident. Cigarette’s cause numerous illnesses that lead to death, yet we haven’t made that illegal.  We have controlled substance laws … but yet the streets are full of illegal drugs.  But yet law abiding people don’t drink and drive or buy and sell illegal drugs … and those that care about their health don’t smoke. 

So what is it that all these anti-gun people think they are going to accomplish other than some self-satisfaction and some remote idea of closure for the loss of a loved one?

We have an administration that says Chicago should be a model because it has some of the toughest gun laws in the country.  It also has the highest gun violence in the country as well.  Is this the model people should really consider?  A politician claimed his father killed himself with a gun to argue a point to support strict gun laws.  So if his father had hung himself with a rope would we be outlawing ropes?  That gun did not get up on its own and made that man commit suicide.  It was a decision he made on his own.  The gun was only a convenient tool at the time.  Continue support for this gun control and the language with in the bill that would prevent someone from the purchase of or continued ownership of firearms due to mental illness draws a lot of questions here.  For any authority to know of mental illness, they would have to have access to medical records.

 Really?  Think this through for a long moment.  A couple has a child, the mother – like many do, fall into a form of depression, the doctor prescribes an anti-depressant for a couple of months.  Now you have a record of mental illness.  Now they just lost their hunting rifles, shotguns, handguns and the ability to purchase any others in the future.  Getting the picture yet?  This bill and ideas that are being ran around on Capital Hill and with these groups are going to remove what little privacy rights we still have.  Don’t believe what I am saying just sit back, do nothing or go and check the details, fine print or however one wishes to define it …. But read and be ready for a future of little rights, privacy and a victim of those that don’t care about the law.

Someone reading this may ask a very valid question, what would I suggest?  That answer has several facets – The first one would be to reintroduce and re-educate good moral principles back into our society.  The next one would be to get people more involved with family, friends, neighbors – to communicate, to know what is going on in each other’s lives – not to judge but to understand stresses, aggravations, moments of depression. 

This is only a start of a positive process where people become familiar with each other again instead of being so self-absorbed.  This process requires face time … not over a cell phone.  It is extremely difficult to fully connect with a person over a cell phone.  Connecting means, seeing their expression, their eye’s, body language and so on .. don’t get me wrong visiting on the phone is also good but should not be relied upon as a means to an end – that is just lazy and selfish.   Sitting in front of the game console or the TV could be spent sitting with family, friends, neighbors that become friends would be a good and positive approach to rebuilding communities.  I do not how ever suggest or promote alcohol.  I know many think coming over a for a glass of wine or a few beers is ok … but is it really?  If a person is having a bad day regardless of the reason … the last thing they need to be doing is “drinking”.

Gun control is not the answer.  Stricter and more severe punishment of criminal’s that commit gun violence is a start.  Building stronger, better relationships and teaching/practicing moral behavior is another start.  But stopping law abiding citizens will only create resentment and new criminals and give the real bad guys more power and opportunities to do more harm.

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Paul’s Home Inspection Service

This is a new business I recently started.  If you are coming to the Shreveport / Bossier Louisiana area or already live here and planning on buying a home or selling a home … keep me in mind as your home inspector.  Visit my site to learn more.

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God’s Will …

God’s Will ….

A statement I have questioned for many years.  Not in the sense of questioning His will, but questioning what is His will.  Within the last several months I find myself visiting this question daily, almost every night when I go to bed, I wake up at 2, 3 sometimes 4 in the morning with this question.  As I lay there and ponder this, I also reflect on the many different scriptures throughout the Bible.

Over the years I have heard people say “it must have been God’s will” or “if it’s God’s will”.  So I stop and contemplate those statements with the events that took place.  I have to wonder what kind of God are we worshiping that would cause people to suffer needlessly?  To go hungry, homeless, childless, or for the crimes that are committed against others?  What kind of God would cause the wars and the atrocities that came with them to happen?  What kind of God would cause people to die horrible deaths or for children to die, for parents to suffer such loss?

Then I have to ask, why would people think this is God’s will?

The rest of this letter I sincerely believe isn’t going to win me any friends and wouldn’t be too surprised if I received some nasty letters / comments.  But I have to continue … I only hope that you the reader, will stay, read these thoughts and consider them.

People will use the phrase “… God’s will” in an attempt to remove responsibility from themselves. To blame God for the things that takes place in our lives, in the world.

God’s Will goes back to the book of Genesis, back to the Garden of Eden.  Then it was simple, it was to obey and to love him.  To see His creations, to be grateful, to be able to walk with him as He did with Adam and Eve.  But God also gave the ability to choose, to think, to learn.  Then evil came into the world with lies, half-truths, deception.  This was and is not God’s will, but for Him to give mankind the freedom to choose, it had to be done.

Because God knew what was going to happen from then on he intervened and inspired many authors over the years to write his story … to tell mankind what His Will is.  He has given us one of the most incredible instruction books of life ever imagined, it’s what we call the Holy Bible.

But because of sin in all its forms and names,  God’s will has been slightly altered to the extent of Him sending his Son, to teach, to die and rise and of accepting Christ as our personal savior.  But the basic concept of God’s Will is unchanged … that is to love him to have faith in Him.  To love one another, to be at peace in our hearts, to be benevolent to each other.   And now to love his Son, Jesus because of the love and sacrifice he shown to us so that we may be saved.

God doesn’t want us to suffer, that is counter to who He is.  Many find it easy to blame God, but seem to forget that there is a powerful evil in this world as well.  Many churches, members, ministers don’t like talking about Satan and his influences.  Some don’t want to sound like a hell fire – brimstone preacher, don’t want to make the congregation uneasy.  But a teacher, preacher, minister, priest, rabbi or any other title you give, these persons don’t have to have those kinds of sermons, they can still discuss the evils that take place, the deceptions that are used, the half truths that are spoken.  How just a little doubt can darken the heart and cause a person to lose faith and sin.  There is a constant battle taking place and in any battle there is suffering.  God wants us to find him and in finding him through his Son, we can have the inner peace, that hope and to have faith that no matter what happens in this life, we will have a life in Heaven with God that we can’t even begin to imagine.  This is God’s will.

As some will argue with the book of Job, God allowed Satan to commit unspeakable acts against Job.  God believed in Job,  He knew his heart, He knew his faith.  How many can say that they could withstand those tests as Job did?  I think God knows that most of us today are not nearly as strong in our faith as Job was.

I believe God allows certain events to take place in our lives, whether directly or indirectly so that we do come to him.  God does have a plan for each of us and so with that we have experiences in our lives at various levels,  so that we can learn to understand, to relate, so that we can share His word with others.    Jesus said “ he that is without sin, let him cast the first stone”.   I believe with those words, we are not to judge, but to try to understand our selves and those we are trying to come to in order to share the word of Christ.  I believe it’s part of being humble.

I know God’s will, and it isn’t to suffer, it isn’t to be alone, it isn’t to feel empty, it isn’t to feel anger or animosity, it isn’t to judge, and it certainly isn’t to sin.

God’s will is simple …. It is to love him and all that comes with that.


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